A packed theatre for Barry Cryer, the nation’s gagmeister-general and the obligatory clearing house for all jokes, according to Simon Hoggart. His sidekick for the evening was Colin Sell (chuckling along for the most part with the rest of us), the much abused pianist on shows like I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue. Cryer wore a showbiz waistcoat while Sell was very smartly turned out as a concert pianist, complete with grand piano and several very silly and very enjoyable songs that he probably rarely gets to play at Carnegie Hall.
In keeping with Cryer’s encyclopaedic comedy store inside his head, the loose theme was a tour from A to Z of anything that took his fancy. Advertising brought to mind Bernard Matthews walking down the aisle of a supermarket, picking up a pack of sliced turkey and saying, “It’s Norfolk and good!” A pack of sausages emblazoned with the handsome features of Antony Worral Thomson provided further information in the form of an instruction: “Prick with fork”.
A psychic wanted to know how superstitious his audience really were, so he asked how many people had seen a ghost? Most people’s hands went up. How many people had ever touched a ghost? Fewer hands went up. For a bit of a laugh, he then asked how many people had had sex with a ghost? He was surprised when a single hand went up, and so he called the gentleman up on stage, and repeated the question. Oh no, said the gentleman, shaking his head, I thought you said, “had sex with a goat”!
A white horse walks into a pub. The guy at the bar is amazed, and says, They’ve named a whiskey after you! What, Eric?
The Bible never describes Jesus as laughing or having a sense of humour, so telling any kind of joke could be seen as a deeply irreligious and impious activity. (Similarly, Jesus is never described as masturbating or having sex, so naturally these activities too are rarely promoted in the pulpit. Joking about sex is beyond the priestly pale.) So, perhaps inspired by the immortal line, “Blessed are the cheesemakers!”, Cryer pulls on a surplice and launches into evangelical preacher mode, inviting us to “find cheeses” and “to talk about cheeses” and so on in a marvellous sing-song gospel style.
Keeping with the holy theme, a priest, a vicar and a rabbi were talking about their miracle experiences. The priest recalled being in a light plane during a terrible storm, and he prayed and prayed and then – praise the lord! – for 100 yards all around the plane the storm abated and he landed safely. The vicar told the story of when he was on a trawler off Grimsby during a raging sea, and he prayed and then – praise the lord! – for 100 yards all around the sea became calm and he made it to shore safely. The rabbi thought for a moment, and then remembered walking down the street on his way to synagogue on a Saturday when he came across a bag of money, which of course he couldn’t pick up since it was the Sabbath. He prayed and prayed, and suddenly – praise the lord! – for 100 yards all around it was Wednesday.
(Colin Sell recently performed his 22nd symphony. Everyone who heard it agreed it was quite long enough at twenty seconds.)
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